Letting Go of Resentments

We have all been there; someone has hurt, mistreated, disrespected or even abused us, (for the sake of being concise I will use the term “wronged” as a catch all phrase). When we have been wronged our natural protective and defense mechanisms come out. Some of these protective measures and defense mechanisms are healthy; such as situating the appropriate boundaries. Others for example, allowing anger and grudges to build and fester within you is not healthy. Being angry or holding a grudge may or may not affect the individual you are having the conflict with. However, the main person that it will affect is you. When we allow anger and hatred to fester and grow within in us, it starts to dominate our thoughts, feelings, emotions and even actions. It is important to let go of this negativity so that we can move forward from being wronged and lead a healthy fulfilling life.

Examine your actions:
In order for a conflict to occur there must be two parties. At times we are attacked for no reason; in these cases our actions in no way had a part in the conflict. However, there are other occasions where we have a conflict with an individual where both parties have had a part. Sometimes just paying attention to the negative behavior of another is enough to start a conflict. If we are paying attention to negative behaviors we are feeding into the other person’s negativity. Often it is beneficial to attempt to completely ignore the negativity. In order ignore these behaviors in the most effective manner it is important not to continually voice our frustration with other people. It is important to express your feelings healthily, but do so in a manner where you are not allowing these behaviors to infiltrate your cognition’s.
Sometimes an individual’s negativity is temporary and by ignoring it we may be assisting in allowing an otherwise good relationship to continue. On the other hand some people are what Judith Orloff M.D. describes as; Emotional Vampires. “Vampires do more than drain our physical energy. The super-malignant ones can make you believe you’re unworthy, unlovable and do not deserve better. The subtler species inflict damage that’s more of a slow burn. Smaller digs here and there can make you feel bad about yourself such as, “Dear, I see you’ve put on a few pounds” or “It’s not lady-like to interrupt.” In a flash, they’ve zapped you by prodding areas of shaky self-worth.”

Boundaries:
If you are dealing with an Emotional Vampire or other such individual putting in place the appropriate boundaries is very important. Often the people that are wronging us are close; family, friends, co-workers etc. Sometimes we cannot simply cut this person out of our life, we may have to see them at work or family functions. If you have attempted in a healthy way on multiple occasions to deal with the conflict and no such resolution has been made or the negative behavior continues it may not be healthy to have a relationship with this person. We can put healthy boundaries up without having to go into an all out war with someone.

Dr. Orloff’s Strategies to Let Resentments Go:
 1. Set Your Intention to Release the Resentment:
Dr. Orloff encourages letting go of resentment so that one may increase their own energy and feel better. First select a target. Maybe you have attempted to discuss the issue with this individual with no results. Or your target may truly be unapproachable. In either case, away from the person, air your resentments without sugarcoating them. Do this in a journal, with a therapist or friend. Expressing your feelings is necessary to forgive.

2. Cultivate Forgiveness
In a quiet moment, really reach to find compassion for the person’s shortcomings, not the deed itself. This may be very hard work. What insecurities or fears motivated them? Why is the person’s heart so closed? What caused their moral blindness? Try to discern the context of the person’s actions. At this point, you may be inwardly able to ask yourself to start to forgive. Perhaps you’re not there yet, this is ok. The request itself sets off a stream of compassion, a cleansing of your system. Repeat the exercise once a day for at least a week. See if your energy improves.

3. Take a Reality Check
As part of forgiveness, take this reality check: People bring a lifetime of wounds to your relationship, which may make their behavior more about them than you. To find forgiveness while endeavoring to heal anger, you must evaluate whom you’re dealing with, the good and the bad. Often, people are just doing the best they can, which may not amount to a hill of beans where you’re concerned, but it does represent the sad truth of the situation. Accepting that truth of someone’s limitations will help you forgive.
Compassion opens a hidden door to a secret world that exists beyond anger. Notwithstanding, the feelings of anger or forgiveness aren’t mutually exclusive. You can simultaneously experience varying degrees of both. Perhaps, at first, you’re a little forgiving and very angry. But when you progress, the scales increasingly tip toward forgiveness as your attachment to anger recedes.
http://www.drjudithorloff.com/