Think Before you Think

Monkey Mind: Paying Attention to your Internal Dialogue 

The Buddhists have a saying they call, "Monkey Mind." Which is the constant background chatter or thoughts of the undisciplined mind. To break it down further; have you ever ended thinking about something and then wonder how you got there? For example; you could be making pancakes, and then think about the syrup that goes on the pancakes and it triggers a thought about buying syrup at the grocery store with your significant other and then all the sudden you are thinking about a fight that you had with them! You likely start to feel upset and get further and further into this negative thought process...and then all of a sudden if you are lucky you may think, "how the heck did I start thinking about this." Monkey mind is your thought process moving from thought to thought, paying zero attention to where your thoughts are going; like a monkey swinging from vine to vine in the jungle.

Internal Dialogue: 

 Internal dialogue is the thoughts that at occur in ones mind that they may use to describe/analyze something that they are likely not fully aware of. We all have an internal dialogue constantly running through our minds during our waking state; however, we are not always aware of it.

 I recently read a really great book that articulated the inner dialogue of the main character quite well. Part of what I enjoyed most about reading the characters dialogue, was that she was aware of what was going on and would respond to the thoughts in her head. Many of us don't question what we think, we just assume that if the thought entered our mind it must be true, but that is not always the case. During our lives we are subjected to multiple forms of stimuli, other people's thoughts, perspectives and agendas; all of which may or may not fit for us.

Another aspect of our internal dialogue that is important to consider is that we as a humans have many different perspectives, which may all carry on a dialogue in our mind simultaneously. For example; Sarah the employee and Sarah the mother have very different value systems and often butt heads, (pardon the pun). Being aware that your thoughts come from multiple perspectives and that they even take in account the values systems of those that are important to you, can be very helpful. Some of these thoughts, perspectives and values may have a positive dialogue others may be negative. The important factor is being aware of what you are thinking and not being afraid to challenge it!

Internal dialogue is a key factor in improving self esteem; which by definition is the way a person thinks about themselves.  So if you are someone that struggles with low self esteem or just someone that knows that they don't always think about themselves positively, it may be very helpful to start paying attention to your internal dialogue. After which you can begin to challenge your negative thoughts and reinforce them with positive ones.

Remember: What you think is what you feel, and what you feel determines how you act!

How to Know when you can Trust Somone

Figuring out how you can actually trust someone:

Recently someone point blank asked me "how do you know you can actually trust your husband?" My answer......hmmm....well...ahhh, I guess I just trust him. Not very convincing. A day or so after this question was posed, my husband and I sat down and talked about it. Neither one of us was able to come up with a concrete answer; other than that we just do.

I'm not going to lie, there were times in our relationship where I would say I did not completely trust him. So how did we get from there to here? My guess:

• Time: he's proved himself trustworthy over a considerable amount of time.
• Open Communication: Nothing is off limits.
• Love: I think its hard to actually love someone if you don't have faith in them as a person. By faith I mean, faith that they won't hurt you.

Things to Consider:

The past is the past:

Tell that to someone that has been hurt... it probably wont get you very far. But really its the truth. Someone may have cheated, lied and been a bad partner to someone else; but does that mean they will do that to you? I don't think so. However, only if they have truely learned and grown as a person. People change over time and hopefully those changes are for the better. If you're with someone that is not changing for the better, perhaps thats something to consider.

Trust has different levels:

There are lots of people I would trust with say a dollar, something small or of little value to me. However, there are very few I would trust with my entire bank account, child, or even heart. I think it's important to determine the value of what your attempting to trust someone with.

Trusting is a risk:

Accept the fact that there is a risk in trusting. Yes you could get hurt, but chances are you have been hurt before and here you are alive! Perhaps the hurt/hurts are recent or the pain is still fresh no matter how recent. Either way you have to allow yourself time to heal. But not just time, you need to be an active particpant in your healing.

Fill your life with positive things, people and habits. Start by taking care of yourself physically; eating well, exercising, pampering etc. Find a hobby; crafts, sports, exercise (not drinking!) Invest in people that will invest in you. Spend time talking and doing things with people who truley know your value and that you trust...(So you can practice letting your guard down)!

You need to fully trust someone to truely expereience love....I think its worth the risk!
(Just be smart about it).

Trust Research:

So I've done a little bit of research and found some helpful tips to answer this question: I'll start with the ones I think are most beneficial/important.

1. Avoid giving trust to self-centered individuals: These kinds of people only know how to think about themselves, their needs, feelings and desires. Either they don't know how or don't want to think about another persons. If someone is truely selfcentered to the bone, they probably should not be trusted.

However, that does not mean that people can't learn to be more selfless and thus more capable of trusting.
Basically in order to trust someone they need to be capable of thinking about how their actions/words etc. affect other people.

2. Have open communication: Communication also includes listening and attempting to understand and appreciate where another is coming from. When you really communicate well with someone, it helps to develop trust as you are mutually sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings. It also helps you to learn/understand the person you are attempting to trust.

3. Lean more about them: Not just the basics, like where they grew up, favorite food, band etc. You need to learn about what motivates them, their feelings, emotions and desires. "You really can't begin to trust someone, until you can truly understand them. Actually, untill you get to a point where you can predict what they'd do. Really examine who they are and learn about them."

4. Observe how they treat others: Trustworthy people, for the most part treat others in their life well. Observe how they act and treat others, as well as how others act around them. What kind of person are they; kind, warm, empathetic, considerate or rude, gruff, mean, hard, irritable? Are they the kind of preson that seems to bring out a lot of warm feelings in others?

5. Are they a learner: "Are they the kind of person that listens to others advice? Are they the kind who truly grows and learns from mistake they've made? If you've discovered they're not, then you probably have your answer on whether betraying your trust has truly sunk in enough, to where they would not do it again. Some people feel bad, but it doesn't mean they ever learn. Learners deserve another chance. Non-leraners don't. Figure out if they are a learner."

6. ***GIVE PEOPLE A CHANCE***: Perhaps I should have put this one first. "It's easy to compare a person or relationship to one in the past. Not everyone is the SAME, or aren't willing to learn. You can't continue to think that way, otherwise you are never going to be able to give someone a real chance at trust. Everyone at least deserves a chance, so be fair and give them one! Don't use the past as a reason not to have an open mind. The past is the past and you're are in the present!"

Decide what you are worth:

To finish, I think it is important to determine your worth as a human being. If you feel you are not worth much or are unsure of your worth, perhaps you need to work on your self esteem. I think people need to value your trust for more reasons than one. Be the kind of person that others want to gain trust from.
More to follow on developing that kind of self-esteem!

Burnt Out!

How does someone like me with my knowledge, expertise end up like this?

I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me for the last week or so. I'm exhausted, losing motivation, finding it impossible to get even the simplest things done. These symptoms have gotten so extreme that I thought I might be pregnant! (I'm not for the record). I'm just burnt out!

Even writing this blog post today, (which I normally love feels like a monumental task). So since I'm not pregnant, which I thought was a very plausible excuse for this level of exhaustion, I need to do something about it! Being the queen of self care, teaching/practicing yoga, working with clients and teaching them about self care and stress management, one wouldn't think I wouldn't end up in the burnt out boat!

The Burnt Out Boat

But here I am anyways! Burnt out and not quite sure what to do about it! If someone came into my office needing help with stress management and burnout; here would be some of my suggestions:

• Examine what they do to take care of themselves. My suggestions often include: exercise, healthy diet, hot bubble baths, time with people who make you feel good...the list goes on.
• Examine their stressors: family, work, finances, time management.
• Help them organize their time: TIME MANAGEMENT
• Enquire if they have received medical attention for a possible illness/medical issue.

Practice what you Preach!

Ohhh that's the problem! All my good advice that I have been doling out; I have completely neglected to use on myself. This is where my routine self evaluation comes in.

In Health & Wellness Professions we are often taught about "Burn Out, Compassion Fatigue, Vicarious Trauma, Secondary Traumatic Stress." Which basically means that by listening and working with clients that are going through so much emotional, physical, psychological and even spiritual pain; we start to take on their symptoms.

You may be on the road to burn out if:

• Every day is a bad day.
• Caring about your work or home life seems like a total waste of energy.
• Your exhausted all the time.
• The majority of your day is spent on tasks you find either mind-numbingly dull or overwhelming.
• You feel like nothing you do makes a difference

According to Help Guide "The negative effects of burnout spill over into every area of your life- including your home and social life. Burnout can also come long-term changes in your body that make you vulnerable to illness like the cold and flu. Because of its many consequences, its important to deal with burnout right away."

Help Guide recommends using: The "Three R Approach"

• Recognize: Watch for the warning signs of burnout
• Reverse: Undo the damage by managing stress and seeking support
• Resilience: Build your resilience to stress by taking care of your physical and emotional health.

Causes of Burnout:

Apparently there are 3 specific causes of burnout. In most cases burnout often stems from a job (ding, ding, I've found my problem!) But anyone who feels overworked and undervalued is at risk for burnout from CEO's to stay at home moms! However, according to Help Guide burnout is not caused solely by stressful work or too many responsibilities. Other factors contribute to burnout, including your lifestyle and certain personality traits. What you do in your downtime and how you look at the world can play just as big of a role in causing burnout as work or home demands.

Work related causes of burnout:

• Feeling like you have little or no control over your work
• Lack of recognition or rewards for good work
• Unclear or overly demanding job expectations
• Doing work that's monotonous or unchallenging
• Working in a chaotic or high-pressure environment

Lifestyle causes of burnout:

• Working too much, without enough time for relaxing and socializing
• Being expected to be too many things to too many people
• Taking on too many responsibilities, without enough help from others
• Not getting enough sleep
• Lack of close, supportive relationships

Personality traits can contribute to burnout:

• Perfectionism tendencies; nothing is ever good enough
• Pessimistic view of yourself and the world
• The need to be in control; reluctance to delegate to others
• High-achieving, Type A personality

Burnout Prevention Tips:

Start the day with a relaxing ritual: find ways to start your day in a relaxing, rejuvenating manner. Instead of just jumping out of bed. Consider spending at least 15 minutes meditating, writing in your journal, doing gentle stretches, or reading something that inspires you.

Adopt healthy eating, exercising, and sleeping habits: This is the one I often find myself neglecting when I'm burnt out. When you eat right, engage in regular physical activity, and get plenty of rest, you have the energy and resilience to deal with life's hassles and demands.

Set boundaries: Don't overextend yourself. Learn how to say "no" to requests on your time. If you find this difficult, remind yourself that saying "no" allows you to say "yes" to the things you actually want to do.

 Take a daily break from technology: Set a time each day when you completely disconnect. Put away your laptop, turn off your phone, and stop checking email!

Nourish your creative side: Creativity is a powerful anecdote to burnout. Try something new, start a fun project, or resume a favorite hobby. Choose activities that have nothing to do with your work!

Learn how to manage stress: When you're on the road to burnout, you may feel helpless. But you have a lot more control over stress than you may think. Learning how to manage stress can help you regain your balance.


The problems been identified, I know what to do, so now....I just need to Practice what I Preach!